Are you sick and tired of your dry fantasy football content? Have you ever thought, “What type of candy would Saquon Barkley be”? No? What’s wrong with you? For sure, you’ve thought, “I would love to categorize Jeremiyah Love’s fantasy value by what sitcom would best represent it”? On my podcast, Analytics Are For the Nerds, we play this game regularly.
I know we all want to get our fantasy content from a “film bro” that wears the official “I know ball outfit”, a nostalgic jersey, and a backward hat. This isn’t quite that. For this exercise, we pick a pool of players and a set of categories, use thewheelofnames.com to pair them, and categorize players by dynasty value. Let’s play:
Player: Kenneth Gainwell/Category: Items You Take on a Trip
Kenneth Gainwell, in fantasy, is definitely the pair of hiking shoes you put in the bag for a weekend trip. You feel good about owning them; you secretly hope that you won’t be using them, but if your ambitious friend wants to climb a mountain on a Sunday morning after a rager, you are happy to look cool enough to have them ready. You also probably paid more for them than you wanted, but you didn’t pay up for the Mammuts (Bucky Irving); you got yourself into a nice, comfortable, semi-affordable pair of Hokas.
Gainwell and “third-string” running back Sean Tucker have been two of my favorite targets this offseason. Mostly, to play off of my full Bucky fade. I do think the Gainwell cost is a little high, as I am not so sure that his role would increase greatly with an Irving injury, but Tucker is the Kmart brand of hiking boots that would be just fine for a short span. Gainwell still remains one of my favorite clicks in a PPR league, where he is completely waterproof. In standard scoring, eh…. more like canvas shoes in a rainstorm. Functional, but you’ll feel it.
Player: Joe Burrow/ Category: Stand Up Comedian
Joe Burrow’s 2026 fantasy football value is basically John Mulaney: Ridiculously talented, smooth as hell, and capable of an all-time legendary performance that makes you the coolest person in the room (or league) … but with that nagging worry he might vanish for half the season due to “personal reasons” (read: Another weird injury).
When Mulaney’s on and locked in (think Kid Gorgeous), it’s pure gold — quotable, precise, and devastatingly effective. Same with Burrow: laser throws to Chase, 40-plus TDs, walking around like he owns the stage while the defense is left heckling in the back. QB1 ceiling that wins leagues and gets you “I told you so” texts all postseason.
Both are on their comeback tours. Mulaney’s had those big returns after time away. Burrow does the same — injury-shortened 2025 (only 8 games, but still dropped 17 TDs), then bounces back as if nothing happened. You draft him hoping for the triumphant Netflix special, not the “he’s working on new material in rehab” tour.
Burrow’s ADP is around 55-65 (top-5 QB range). You’re paying premium ticket prices for the big-name headliner, not the $15 club comic grinding it out every night. Worth it if he delivers the hour. Risky if he does another abbreviated run and you’re stuck explaining to your league why your “sure thing” only showed up for half the gigs. Both have that effortless cool — Mulaney with the sharp suits and timing, Burrow with the calf socks and swagger. They make it look easy until life (or a pass rush) body-slams them.
Drafting Burrow is like buying front-row tickets to Mulaney — massive upside, huge star power, and weeks where everyone’s quoting him the next day. But deep down you’re refreshing injury reports like you’re checking if the show is still on. If he stays healthy? Championship contender. If not? You’re that guy telling everyone “he’s still the best, the toe just wasn’t ready.” Roll the dice on the special, baby. He’s got the material.
