Every fantasy football league has that one guy. The Boomer. Your buddies’ drunk uncle who reminds you every time he sees you that he used to score his fantasy league by using the box scores from the newspaper. He still calls it “the computer football,” and drafts like the internet never happened. In round 1, he takes some 34-year-old running back who “runs with heart” and once rushed for 1,200 yards in 2017. In Round 2, time to get that quarterback he watched win a Super Bowl when gas was $1.80. Accuracy is optional; leadership is not. Round 3: A tight end because “they don’t make ’em like that anymore.”
You know what comes next. An early kicker and defense for sure. Aging running backs aplenty because they remind him of the good old days of Dickerson and Bettis. Wide receivers at the end of their career because he had them on his fantasy football championship team a decade ago. It’s not safe to assume that boomer picks always mean that it is a bad pick, but it’s a pretty safe bet that most of them are on my do-not-draft list. Here’s the guy your geriatric league mate is drafting in each of the first ten rounds.
Round 1: Christian McCaffrey-San Francisco 49ers
Like Shaggy used to say: This fantasy football pick is Mr. Boombastic. CMC is a ticking time bomb that might explode at any moment. But Uncle Dirk has drafted him every year for the past 5 years, and he will let you know he’s a genius. I don’t want to make this a “McCaffrey sucks” post, but he’s the worst first-round pick, in my opinion, when you consider injury risk and the players drafted behind him. Go ahead, grandpa; he’s all yours.
Round 2: Derrick Henry- Baltimore Ravens
A Boomer’s wet dream in every fantasy draft is to start RB/RB. And to be perfectly honest, I think there are some really strong cases for robust RB this year. I just prefer mine to be a little younger with higher ceilings. Now the ole geezer will remind you about Henry’s crazy Week 17 performance last year that catapulted him to a fantasy football league championship. What his dementia will conveniently forget is that Henry was mediocre for most of the year. Henry is round 2’s worst pick.
Round 3: Kyren Williams- Los Angeles Rams
The human fossil continues with the RB train. He exclaims, “I can’t believe you guys let me get Williams this late.” Kyren Williams has surpassed most expectations every year of his career. Slappys like myself have never rushed to draft him, pointing to a poor profile and bad analytics. But there’s more behind it this year. The split between him and Blake Corum got close to 50/50 towards the end of the year last year, and now the younger, faster Corum might have more to say about that in 2026. Let Old Man River get his 3 headed (dying) monster in your fantasy football leagues this year.
Round 4: Mike Evans- San Francisco 49ers
The Doc Brown of your group grins from ear to ear as he announces his pick in the 4th round. He probably even calls him Michael. Yuck. He tells the guy sitting next to him that he almost took Evans in the last round and already starts spending his money from his winnings in his head. Oh, the amount of Old Spice this fantasy football league championship money will buy. Evans has a pretty high floor with the 49ers, and he is a fine pick, but I’ll take Jaylen Waddle, Luther Burden, or Tetairoa McMillan in this round.
Round 5: Davante Adams- Los Angeles Rams
This guy is saying, “Forget those damn bye weeks.” He’s got two parts from two of the best offenses in the game. His team would have smashed in 2021. Adams, like Evans, could be a fine pick. But call me youthful, good-looking, and in great shape if you must, but I can’t get down with such a boomerific pick. Give me D.J. Moore, Quinshon Judkins, or Christian Watson in round 5 of all fantasy football formats.
Round 6: Houston Texans Defense
You know Archibald is grabbing the first defense 3 rounds early. He doesn’t fully understand defense scoring, and he’s totally going to bitch to the commissioner that in the first game they have 5 sacks, give up 7 points, and score only two more points than the Jets defense did that same week. It’s the classic boomer move and one you can almost etch in stone. There is never an excuse to pick a defense or kicker before the last two rounds of a fantasy draft. Never. Also, Parker Washington is the only 6th-round pick you should want to be making this year.
Round 7: Brandon Aubrey- Dallas Cowboys
Of course, you know Sir-Farts-A-lot needs to follow up with his kicker before it’s “too late”. In his brilliant mind, he’s going to start a run at the position, and then he can follow up to round out his team. But you and your other league mates are too smart for this. And the next kicker isn’t selected until round 16. (Still too early). Jonathan Brooks is becoming my favorite 7th-round buy, although I expect that price might go up in the coming weeks.
Round 8: Matthew Stafford- Los Angeles Rams
The first “good move” Uncle Fester makes is to stack Adams with his quarterback, Matthew Stafford. The 8th-round pick is a little early for Stafford, but the old man will remind you that he was the league MVP last year. I mean your league mate, not Stafford himself, although he probably would if he were attending your league draft. I don’t need to stack in lineup leagues as much as best ball, and there are probably better QB options on the board right now. Blake Corum and Rico Dowdle (kind of a boomer pick himself) are two of my favorite 8th-round targets, but I would also love Trevor Lawrence if I’m hell-bent on taking a QB here.
Round 9: Travis Kelce- Kansas City Chiefs
Your league mate stands up, slowly using his cane, and makes his Kelce pick. It is immediately followed by an off-colored Taylor Swift joke that doesn’t land. Kelce is someone I’m actually targeting quite a bit this year, albeit a “boomer” pick. A lot of that is because I don’t like the players around him, so if drafting Travis Kelce makes me old, throw a diaper on me and call me granddad. Kyle Pitts and Harold Fannin remain higher in my rankings, but it would not shock me at all to see Kelce remain in the top 5 tight-end scoring at the end of the year.
Round 10: Deebo Samuel- San Francisco 49ers
We get it, dude. You watched Joe Montana in his heyday, and you became a 49ers fan even though you live in a small town in the Midwest. Joe Boomer gets his third 49er and leaves the draft early. He says you can put him on auto-draft the rest of the way because he’s already got the league on wrap with his starting lineup. He tears off his readers, chugs the last of his Miller Light pitcher, and heads home in his Buick Sedan for a 4 pm supper.
